cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
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Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park