Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

me, too, girl. me, too.

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

I ate everything, including the H.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.