Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

just arby’s bein’ a bro

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.