Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
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McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Seems a bit forward
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Fun Things
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Our lord and savoury.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*