Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
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My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
peep davidson
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
☠️☠️☠️
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers