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Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat