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[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time