Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
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fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I love you…
…r dog.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
😂 amazing answer
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside