Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
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ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
What do you text your spouse?
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ