Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

I’m good, thanks.

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.