Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!