[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
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I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.