@lildandeli0n

Cops think i am worth the chase…apparently.

Cops think i am worth the chase…apparently.

- @lildandeli0n

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@good_one_rick

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

@Donna_McCoy

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

@Mom_Overboard

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

@MaraWilson

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

@Monicann86

I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you’re talking on it

@NYC_Blonde

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

@marinhubka

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

@JasonLastname

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.