WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
You Might Also Like
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Ugh
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Mornin
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.