Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese