Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
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If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
This rocks
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
become ungovernable
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box