COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
You Might Also Like
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!