COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
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The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.