Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

*pronounces fake like saké*

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’