Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

The booster protects against what, now?

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer