cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
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[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.