cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
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Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Harsh but fair