Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
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Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
bias laundering edition
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
these can’t be my only options
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.