Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
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I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.