Copy Editor is a rewording career.
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I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
twitter users today:
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES