Copy Editor is a rewording career.
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From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
What the hell is going on?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Lmbo
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak