Copy Editor is a rewording career.
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football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
just gave your address to some spiders
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.