Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
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Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
If you know, you know
😲 WTF? 😆
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”