Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
This meeting could have been a cake
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Hamburger Hinderer.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!