Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

me irl

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”