Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

A customer told me they were never coming back….

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.