Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

me before I type out affect or effect

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.