@NewDadNotes

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

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@KateWhineHall

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

@WilliamAder

I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”

@iamdevloper

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

@urgeekisshowing

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

@abbycohenwl

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

@KalvinMacleod

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

@AlmightyBored

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.