Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
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Finding a suitable boyfriend after 40 is like trying to thread a needle while riding a mechanical bull.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.