How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
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I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
HER: I’m ending this
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.