@NewDadNotes

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

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@mejustbeth

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

@VexingVixxen

Finding a suitable boyfriend after 40 is like trying to thread a needle while riding a mechanical bull.

@Cyd10e

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

@PinkCamoTO

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

@Fred_Delicious

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

@DanMentos

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

@MommyCocktail

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

@Quartzjixler

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

@Harbinger_one

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.