Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
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Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.