Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
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I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Not messing around
