Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
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Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb