Corn Dogs: Uninserted
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[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”