Corn Dogs: Uninserted
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“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Twitter is an abusement park.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”