Corn Dogs: Uninserted
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How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
i want enemies
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast