Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s it.I’m out.

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock