corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
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My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Wise advice
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train