Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
You Might Also Like
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”