Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
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[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.