Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.