Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
You Might Also Like
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly