Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

The glockness monster

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?