Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
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HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree