Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

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Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.


Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared


I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I’m taking a selfie and you’re in the background


Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*


Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.


In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.


None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.


Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper


when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad