Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
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Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter
Will it be
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I’m taking a selfie and you’re in the background
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.
Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.