Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
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when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*