Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?

a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press