Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

This sounds bad:

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes

“Anything?”

GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*