cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
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Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Dead sexy!!
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.