Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

Geez man, take it easy.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival