[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March