[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Okey dokey.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.