[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

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I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?


[right after my lie detector test]
-Make sure that machine shows I’ve had plenty of the sex
“Sir that’s not what it does-


Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”


10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.


fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats


I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit


“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”


The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.