@murrman5

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

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@3sunzzz

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

@ibid78

[right after my lie detector test]
-Make sure that machine shows I’ve had plenty of the sex
“Sir that’s not what it does-
-I SAID MAKE SURE

@causticbob

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

@MattMcElaney

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

@dril

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

@KevinHart4real

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

@MooseAllain

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

@AlanFelyk

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.