[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.