Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?