Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

My beach vacation Google searches

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]