Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests

me: yes…for our guests

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.