corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
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[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.