corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
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He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s![]()
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”