Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
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Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.