Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
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If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.