Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
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Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Succinctly put.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it