Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
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I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work