Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

Is this the real life?
Is this just

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

Someone just threatened to call me later

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity