Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
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Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”