Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
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Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people