Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
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If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.