Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
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Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Fun Things
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
You know…for fall…
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.