Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.