#CoronaOutbreak
You Might Also Like
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Kermit goes Blue.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.