#CoronaOutbreak
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My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Cake!!
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.